One Minute everything is firm, next it’s all saggy, luscious hair falls out in chunks and perfect skin breaks out in spots. One minute you have a new-born the next a little girl. You constantly ask how this happened has time always gone so fast? I look at her sometimes and it hurts inside the fear of how fast she is growing and the longing to make time slow down. How the hell do I have a 4 month old?
In four months my whole world has changed, I have changed mentally and physically and for Devon everyday, there is something new. I have found I am more confident when I am with her, walking into a room full of strangers is no longer so daunting, there is always something to talk about where a baby is concerned. She has bought out my inner lioness, once usually terrified of spiders I will sacrifice myself if I see one remotely near my daughter. Although when I'm with her I feel I can take on the world, without her my confidence has certainly taken a knock. Holding a conversation with someone that doesn't involve talk of poo or sleeping patterns is hard. I swear in the process of labour I lost half of my brain cells as my mind often ceases to work mid-sentence. When I meet my couples for styling consultations I feel I constantly have to explain away my resulting sieve head and failure to use words of more than 2 syllables. Before Devon, a lot of my outer confidence would come from feeling good about my physical body. When I was pregnant I felt amazing, my hair was lush, everything was firm and I felt unstoppable. Post Devon I have never felt worse, I am more than happy to let my daughter shine in the limelight whilst I shrink away into the background, my wardrobe consists of 4 go to outfits I wear on repeat. Devon is always immaculately dressed whilst my clothes go un-ironed and often covered in baby vomit and my hair unwashed (not because I don’t have time but it terrifies me how much it falls out every time I do). I was never prepared for the toll having a baby would continue to have on me post labour. I went on a trampoline with my friend’s children last week and if I ever needed a reminder of how things have changed wow that was it! Goodbye tight, flexible, bendy body, hello pelvic floor!
My emotions constantly get the better of me, I have become ruled by the heart and not the head. We went to watch my husband’s 8 year old nephew in his school choir, previously I would have found any excuse not to go but now I actively encourage our participation in these events and sat crying as they sang Bob Marley’s Three Little Birds. Driving past roadkill has become an emotional roller coaster, I think to myself that’s someone else child, all be it an animals child. I haven’t watched or read the news in weeks, I think its better that way else my poor daughter would never leave the house. When did this all change?
Looking back to the beginning the all-consuming love for Devon wasn’t instant. I have loved and protected her since she was born but I first left Devon to style a wedding when she was a month old and not to sound cold I walked out the door without a second thought. I knew she was safe and she wouldn’t miss me. At that age to her, I felt I could have been anyone, I wasn’t breast feeding so she didn’t need me to survive, we didn’t have that instant bond. I loved her but I felt like I got nothing in return. I am not alone in feeling like this, it is common for a lot of new mums, for me I wouldn’t call it post-natal depression, I would call it adjustment time because now words cannot explain how I feel about my girl. It is so much more than love and not to gush but I finally understand what unconditional love is. She looks at me with those big blue eyes like I’m the only person in the world who matters to her. She has a smile that will light up a room (they should try and bottle the hormones and emotions that result from seeing that smile). Leaving to work a wedding is the hardest part of the week and I now rush home to be with her. I miss her more than I ever knew I would.
I often think to myself wow I have changed, and wonder what a younger carefree, career driven me would think looking at me singing loudly out of tune in our sensory class which we both love or shelling out for expensive amber anklets to help her teething as any gimmick is worth a go if it potentially saves her pain. Leaving the house without hardly any make up and having to restrain myself from sharing my entire camera roll on Social Media because I am so proud of my daughter and I want the world to see her. Would I recognise myself?
Photography: Nikkis Moments
I have always had a creative soul which I am lucky enough to get to express through my small business The White Emporium. With an ethos for everything relaxed and wild I believe in creating wedding ambiences full of a couple’s personality and their story together, I cherish nurturing relationships with my couples and being part of one of the most important days of their lives. Based in Bedfordshire with my hubby Chris and spoilt fur ball Smudge, I love trips in to London but am a country girl at heart, inspired by open fields and big sky’s. You will often find me scouring the local charity shops or rummaging through car boot sales and reclamation yards as I constantly grow the treasure trove of hire products.
A natural dreamer I love nothing better than curling up and getting lost in a good book or losing myself with a pencil and sketchpad. My favourite things in life include walks along deserted beaches, exploring new places and going out for a good meal. Baking and cleaning escape me, whilst I am an enthusiast for exercise indulging in pole dancing and the great outdoors.
I am excited to take you on my journey from growing a small business through to growing a bump and then raising a little bubba. The up’s, the downs the constant juggling and the happiness this next crazy adventure in our lives.