Love and Loss

Two years ago in March my life changed in a way that I never thought was possible, my dear and very much loved mum passed away.  You hear people say losing a loved one is never easy and I can honestly vouch for that. There is nothing that can ever prepare you for the loss and the funerals/memorial services of a loved one.

My mum had been unwell for 3 years battling with a heart condition and COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) to sum it up she had lung disease, which was as a result of smoking.  Although she had been unwell for so long, in and out of hospital, a stint in the intensive care unit in a seduced coma and steadily getting worse she always bounced back.  She always valued life, her family and was good company – even the nurses used to make a beeline for her.  So what with being a true battler, when she passed away (at the age of 64) it was no less of a shock than if she had been involved in a car crash.

On the occasion that lend to her untimely passing, my mum was again admitted into hospital with her family being informed that due to being seriously unwell, we should be prepared for the worse! I have to confess that we had lost count the number of times we had been told this, so although concerned, we didn't take it too serious.  Nevertheless, we made our way to the hospital and hung around until she told us to bugger off to go see to our children. 

That evening I became very unwell myself with a pesky bug I must have picked up from the hospital, so due to the pleasure of vomiting all night I was unable to see my mum the next day and to make matters worse it was my birthday too.  Although I did receive a text from my mum (which I still have) wishing me a ‘happi birfday x’

That evening I had the strangest feeling that I must go and see her, so with only one hour left of visiting time off I went.  I managed to have a brief conversation with my mum who was more concerned with how I was feeling than herself – which was so typicla of my mum!  I gave her a kiss and a cuddle asked the nurse to put her to bed and left feeling somewhat relieved that she was comfortable and in good hands.

I was awoken at 2am that morning by the ringing of my phone; it was the hospital asking myself, my sister and brother to come in as our mum had taken a turn for the worse.  Again this wasn’t anything we hadn’t had to do before, so after throwing myself out of bed and asking hubby to sort the kids out in the morning if I wasn’t back, I made my way back up to the hospital. 

On arrival we were told by the doctor they were finding it hard to control her oxygen levels and she was retaining too much carbon dioxide, and so we all sat around her bed holding her hand while waiting for any sign of improvement. 

Unfortunately, that improvement didn’t come and at 5.50am on the 4th March 2016, my beloved mum passed away surrounded by her children.

Over the two years following my mums passing I’ve dealt with different stages of emotions from grief, anger to denial and acceptance cycling back and forth from one day to the next. I can honestly say that the pain of losing my mum will ever go away but it is geting easier to cope with, I’m sure you’ve heard of the saying ‘time is a great healer’.  I’ve also found it hugely beneficial to talk to friends, family and anyone else that would be willing to listen about her and her passing.  

All that said you're probably not suprised to hear that so many people I know would completly ignore the complete devastation that had just occured in my life, thinking I wouldn't want them to 'bring it up' - as if I might have forgot that my mum had recently passed away! I guess looking back and still on occasional days now, there are times I don't want to talk about losing her as the pain is too much to bear but most of the time I'm happy to talk about my mum and tell everyone that she was a true lioness.  I believe the willingness to talking about death and those we have lost is part of the healing process.

So two years on, my last thoughts at night and my first thought in the morning are still of my mum and I have the occasional secret cry (not to mention shedding  many tears whilst writing this post!).  But all that said, I feel that I’ve reached a place where I can start to move on with the support of my family and close friends.  I hope by sharing my experience of bereavement might help others know that it really is good to talk and there is no hard or fast rule about how you should feel - take things slowly and be kind to yourself.

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My background is as a wedding & lifestyle photographer, shooting both digital and film to create authentic, soft and natural fine art photographs. Working primarily with natural light to give my work a beautiful, light and airy touch infused with soft tones. 

I have always appreciated and valued the simple things in life and finding the interesting in the ordinary.  Coco Lane was founded as I wanted to create something that is about an experience, the slower pace of life, cosiness and candlelight, cuddling up on the sofa with loved ones, being with the people you love, sharing food with close friends, a feeling of home, nurturing a chosen career, wanderlust travels, savouring the small moments in everyday life and just being you and enjoying a cup of tea.

I'm excited to bring you stories that promote all those moments in life that give us value and meaning; inspiring  us to live beautifully.

"I began to realize how important it was to be an enthusiast in life.  If you are interested in something, no matter what it is. Go at it full speed.  Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it, and above all become passionate about it.  Lukewarm is no good" - Roald Dahl